y wont u talk?

first of all this one isnt me complaining about bob and my friend... this is about a different friend.. i think i'll call her "jane"

well... i guess i should start from the beginming, which isnt that log ago, just this summer.

well i have a frind, jon... jon is a marine currently in japan, he has a lot of friends, one being my friend who is going out with bob, another is jane.

when i first met jane we talked a little, then after a week or so we started to talk more.. until we got to where, at least in my mind, we were talking like a couple of friends...

towards the end of july i guess it was, there was a big inter-friend drama fight because jane did drugs, told bob's gf, and bob's gf told me, cause jon and bob's gf were apparently trying to hook me up with jane when i met her and, i must admit, it was working a bit, i grew to really like jane, but withheld from telling jane at that time cause

1) she lives in a different state, and i've never been a a relationship period, let alone one that we're 1000 miles apart or whatever, and

2) jane is the kind of girl who wouldnt give a guy like me a second glance on the street... hell, i'd b lucky to get a first glance from someone who looks like her

anyway.. i told bob's gf (who will now b known as "ann") partly because i needed to tell someone, and i was waiting to tell jane, and partly because ,well ann was one of the ppl trying to hook me up with jane, and also partly because i needed advise from what a girl thought...

anyway... back to the story... jane had stoped talking to me like almost completely.. like when she did talk to me she seemed to use as few words as possible, after the whole "jane on drugs" thing went down, jane seemed to talk to me again, like accually talking to me, then she was offline for a bit (i dont feel like going into that big mess) but when she got back on it seems she didnt talk to me as much, and now, tho i know she has limited access to the net, i havent really talked to her all that much since augest... the only time i talked to her mose than just bullshit convo was by accident, im pretty sure.. apparently jane is a huge fan of the local sports team and i just happened to say (as a filler) "so.. how about them (incert favorite sports team)?"
and of course she began to talk about her fave sports team.. that was the most we really taked in like 3 months... thats 1/4 of a year... thats over half the time i've known her

but it's not like she couldnt send an email saying "hey, how u been?" or something like that

i fear i may have scared her away because in order to try to take some of the pressure off of ann during the "jane was on drugs" drama, i told jane that the only realn she told me is cause i liked her... so i'm afraid that the only time i have really felt emotions, and told ppl about it in a long time made it so that she doesnt talk to me anymore... i guess thats what i get for going against my better judgment

i'll b really surprised if jane ever talkes to me again... i dont want to say that she's dead to me, like i have done to my older brother, but i dont think that i'll start the convo, i might but if she starts with this hardly talking to me thing, then i probibly wont start the convo, assuming that she doesnt want anything to do with me.. i'll probibly treat her like i do my neighbor... i will say hello if he says hello first, i'll talk if he talks to me first. i'll talk to jane if she talks first, but im afraid that if i do that it'll b just like now, exccept that i cant tell myslef that she's not online at all... the only thing left would b that she doesnt want to talk to me at all and i really dont want to know that someone doesnt want to talk to me because i told them i liked them

well i'm gonna end it there cause this has become a fucking long post, and chances r u didnt even really read it anyway

thought of the day

"always listen to ur gut feelings

they know more than u ever will

i learned that the hard way"

do u not want sight?

i cant believe it...

i cant fucking believe it...

i cant believe that you'd b blinded again...

i thought u were done with bob...
i told u what it's like here and i even showed u what i thought, and i thought u would heed my warnings about him... he has already moved on... he has a new one he claims he loves
do u think he speaks the truth when he talks??

do u want to know how honest words r?... if u desire me to i will tel u that i am a real live god and i can teleport, and shoot lightning from my hands and haven't teleported to see u because i have no wish to do so... if u want i will call u up and speak these things to u; hell, i will fly to where u r and tell u to your face... will that make it true?

surely i said such things were true so i must b fight... no one can lie to people's faces, can they?... call and find out... i assure u it is true.

y do u not listen to me?

y not look at what is happening and realize that your living a lie, a foolish dream, u believe he can love at all??... I'd b surprised if he fucking loved anything but himself... i told u this before but u seem to think just because he says otherwise he's telling u the truth.

y will u not believe me??

have i ever lied to u??... the most i did was keep the full truth from u... and that was because i wanted u to retain what ever happiness u had, however false it was... do i even have a reason to lie to u? if u feel i have a reason to lie to u please tell me what it is... I'd love to know cause i can think of nothing.

u know what??.... fuck it!!... I'm gonna tell it to u straight... u r annoying me... your acting like a god damn kid... u still believe that perfect is possible... and its not... Bob's last name isn't Christ... i should know cause mine isn't... and last time i checked brothers have the same last name...
i just want to tell u that your dream of a perfect life with bob is just that... a dream. perfection rarely exists in story books... what makes u think it can happen out here in the real world, or do u not spend enough time out here to know?

what i find sad, and i almost cry over is the first thing u say to me now... "is bob there"... not even "hi" anymore... just asking about bob, like i don't matter save for a link to him... that's probably one reason we don't seem to be as good of friends as we were before bob came along... ever since then it's been "bob, bob, bob, o.. o ya, and u (sorry, forgot)... then back to bob again"... now I'm not saying u shouldnt have any friends but me... that would b just plain fucking stupid... i want to b your friend... not your only friend... we seemed like such good friends... hell, we called each other siblings... that's how close we were... but now that bob doesn't want u to call me bro I'm supposed to just forget it?... it seems unfair... and ya i know the old "well life isn't fair" bullshit... well we can at least try to make it as fair as we can... i may not b able to make everything fair but i still try god damn fucking hard to make it close... i guess it's all in vein... if shit like us going from really good friends to me just being a way for u to tell if Bob's home or not, then it's obviously just a waste of my damn time, it obviously doesn't matter what the fuck i do cause it'll always come back to u think your in love with bob... and i just happen to live with bob

fuck... i don't even know if i should ever show u this... it'll probably make u cry and you'll probably either not like me for what i said or just dismiss it as "whatever"... i don't give a fuck what u tell me... if the last time i showed u this is any indication of what the future holds it's that it doesn't matter what i say... u still believe that your in love with bob, and that there will never b anyone like bob and all this other shit... so whatever...

(i want u to know that i wrote it when i was in a really angry mood and decided to talk about what was really bugging me... sorry if u cry or hate me for what i say or anything... if u dont want to b my friend anymore than i'll understand... just thought u'd like to know.)

thought of the day

"if u claim he is the one

and u save your heart for him

and your wrong...

u will miss out on a lifetime of love

if u claim he is the one

and allow your heart to love another

and your right...

then he will come back into your life

when the time is right"

sweet, im a bro again!!

i know this sounds like an odd thing to say but it is true... after almost a 2 month hiatus I'm finally a bro again!!

i know it may seem stupid to all of u but idc... to me it almost feels like that is what makes me and my friend really good friends.. it is our "thing" like one of my friends likes to tackle me to the ground and give me a large, slightly strangling, hug... and we have a point system we use that is a story for another day... the point being, if he didn't tackle me to the ground, or if he didn't punch me in the shoulder for ding something stupid, I'd feel like it wasn't the same person... I'd feel like somehow we aren't as good of friends... well that's how it was for the last 2 months... i felt like my sis and i had lost our thing... granted web still had one thing that didn't die for those 2 months but it wasn't the same...

but, tho it may be kinda pathetic, i was really happy when the other day she called me "bro" again.. it made me feel like we were really good friends again.... it was like my sister left and then she came back...

thought of the day...

"heaven watches from a distance, hell charges forward.

for the last month we gave our enemies heaven...

now, we give them Hell!!!!!!!"

have u ever had something u wanted to say to someone but u didnt want to at the same time?

well thats about where i am now with a friend of mine...

i want to tell her that he (let's call him "bob") doesnt seem to give a shit and that she is really getting on my neves...

they say love is blind but i didnt realize it made u blind as well! she refuses to believe it will last anything short of forever, well i've lived with bob for all his life, he's not a "forever" kinda guy.
she also seems to refuse to see any flaw in him... now, i can only recall 1 case of mass claimed perfection and i dont think bob's last name is "christ".

ur not suposed to ignore their flaws, ur suposed to accept their flaws... the 2 words may b similar but they r far from the same...

i dont want to tell her that bob doesnt seem to care about the relationship because above all else, she is a friend... or at least she was... (idk if she still is or not, but o well, u cant change how ppl see u)... i dont want her to b sad or misrable in any way... hell, she probibly wouldnt believe me anyway, the kid is so blind im surprised she can see the end of her damn nose.i keep trying to tell her about it tho, not straight out "he doesnt fucking care about ur relationship at all" but subtlely..."ya.... bob isnt calling because he's playing video games" "ya, i told bob to call... idk what he's doing, i think he's watching tv" stuff like that... but she just rides it off like playing video games or watching tv is more important than talking to his damn girlfriend.

but whatever... i just dont like how she becomes almost obsessive to the point where she honestly believes he loves her with all his heart and i can tell u this... idt he has ever accually loved anything with even a fraction of his heart.

well i guess i'll end this little rant now... i'll cya next time

thought of the day...

"it's hard to see you nearing the edge of the cliff

and be there to stop u from falling

but u turn my hand away

and fall just the same"