the hardest thing i've ever tried to write

hey there faithful reader who found this, or lucky person i decided to show this to,
(probably the latter)


this is something that's been on my mind for a while now... it wont go away, and it is the hardest thing I've ever tried to write...


I'm gonna try to describe how i feel about a certain someone who life deemed i earned to come into my life. and that would b Jess.


Jess is only the coolest person ever... and also, the second person i admitted i liked. and the best part is... she likes me back


now I'm no stranger to having a crush on ppl, it's happened a few times b4. but this is the first time that anyone has loved me back.


ya i said it.. love


if u knew me at all this last year, u know that I've lost all hope in finding someone for me, I've given up on love

i thought it was some fairy tail, bullshit lie that ppl just made up to pretend to b happy.


i mean.. i had never felt it in 20+ years on living, i had never felt this thing they called "love"


"but shallow grave, what about all the songs about it, and movies, and all that?"


OK imaginary person... they make songs and movies and things about Santa... does that make him real?


sorry for the reality check, Santa is a lie, just like i thought love was


but then... i was on this website called blogtv and i was talking to this kid that i thought was beautiful, but I'd never have a chance with, and had been on camera a few times by that point.


i forget exactly when in the conversation, or what brought it up but she said "your cute"


me being. well... me thought, "she has to b joking... me? cute? nonsense... i just have a cool fro, witch is a great conversation starter but after that, it's just hair, this has to b some kinda joke"


this was still when i was angry, and maybe a little depressed, but miserable definitely, when nothing was going right for me, not really. and i am pretty sure I'll always have trust issues.

but ya.. that's how it started...


eventually i was on blogtv and everyone was playing a game called 10 fingers.. where everyone asks either yes/no or "have u ever" questions... if "yes" u put down a finger.. the game ends when u run out of fingers


so one of my questions were "do u have a crush on someone in this room" and of course Jess was there so i put a finger down


after that, it was game on... ppl wanted to know who it was and me being the private person i am wouldn't tell them

Jess seemed really adamant about finding out who it was


so we were talking on msn the next day and again she asked who it was i had a crush on.

with the memory of what happened last time i told someone i loved them in the foreground of my mind i was like "i think I'll keep that one to myself for now"


since we were asking questions back and forth i asked her the same question she asked me "do u have a crush on someone from blogtv?" and she was said yes. when i asked who it was, cause I'm kind of an information addict, she was like "it's u silly" after i got over the shock of seeing me as her crush i made sure it wasnt some crazy joke with a simple "really?"


well i figured since she liked me what could go too wrong if i told her i liked her too.

famous last words i know, but life is about risk and reward.

and luckily this risk brought the best reward I've ever gotten... Jess


anyway... that was the easy part... that was just telling a story


now comes the hard part... trying to describe what this feels like.

what love is to me


i know that you're not supposed to change audiences in the middle of a paper, but this isn't for a grade and what i need to say is really aimed at one person. so Jess.. the rest of this is for u, cause I'll probably only show this to u, cause well, I'm still not good at sharing what's going on with me to ppl


i also know I'll never b able to describe how much i love u, Jess... but what kind of word smith would i b if i didn't try.


so here we go...


OK... well.. first of all.. this is a very odd feeling for me,,, it's hard for me to wrap my head around this feeling being real. I've never really experienced love b4.


i know pain is real... I've lived with pain for 21 years... and well.. it only stopped when i met u...


your the first thing that's made me truly happy, and for that, i thank u.


but back to how this feels...


well imagine your 5 years old, u ask for a pony on Christmas, expecting to not get it, cause "Santa doesn't like delivering live animals" your dad says. "maybe if your really good" says your mom


u walk downstairs on Christmas morning and u don't see a pony

u see 3 standing there

all with your name on the tag


suddenly nothing matters anymore

all your worries, and sorrows are gone

everything that u cared about is now obsolete.. u have three ponies.


ya.. take that times the highest number u can think of

then add 1


that's the amount of happiness i feel from the littlest thing, like seeing that your online


i know I'm crazy... if anyone disagrees they are either lying or they don't know me that well

and this is so new for me I'll probably fail at so many things.


i also know I'm forgetful as fuck... but i remember the things i consider important

like i forget your last name, i cant remember your fave movie, i cant remember most of the stuff we talked about that day we were asking questions...


but i remember your fave song (mostly cause i told u I'd sing it for u some day when i finally learn the song) i remember that u want to b kissed in the rain some day. i made i point to remember that cause i know that when it happens it'll make u happy.


before 1.5-2 months ago i didn't have much of a goal in life...
the best i had was "maybe go to theatre eventually?"

but now i have 3...
1)visit u
2)when i get there kiss u in the rain
(or at least try to and try not to make it weird and awkward, cause I'll b honest .. I've never really kissed anyone b4, so I'll probably fail at it. well.. i kissed my grandma but it was more she kissed me on the cheek)
anyway... 3) try to make u as happy as u make me.


cause I'll b honest... i don't like my friends being unhappy, i know what it's like to b sad, or angry, or miserable... i don't want anyone i know to feel the same

and, since I'm being honest, there is a slightly more selfish reason that is there but i don't pay attention to it too much.. and that is I'm kind of a sponge as my one friend calls it...

i seem to copy emotion around me... so keeping everyone happy makes me happy


but the most important point is that i love you and i don't think you should ever feel anything but happy

that's why i say corny things like "I'd give up a Klondike bar to talk to u" or any of the dumb things that make u say stuff like "awwe" or "your sweet".

that's just my attempts to say what u mean to me...

it's because of you that I'm not so angry and hateful anymore.

if u would have told me at the beginning of the summer i would love someone i would have laughed at u, called u a liar and went about my misery. so thanks for that

ya.. so that so far took me several hours yesterday to write... tbh there's just not enough time to write everything.. it would take a few years past forever to write it all, but ya...

OK note to self.. tired + lots of caffeine+ me = shouldn't write things...
i kinda start rambling and getting sidetracked

but then again... that's kinda what happens when i talk to u, Jess... anything i was thinking of just kinda gets put on the back burner. cause your the most important thing again

uggz,, side tracked again... I'm failing at this whole thing... so i think I'll stop now... i cant concentrate... it's way too late to b thinking...

that and this is long enough as it is. it'll almost take u as long to read it did to type it :/

but anyway.. I'm gonna end this pitiful attempt to say what i feel with this...

"I'll love u forever and a half... whatever comes of goes, i want u to know I'll b right here :)"

like i said.. i love u more than words can describe, Jess... this is my best try at it, i hope it'll do

*footnote*
idk if I'll even show this to u Jess... this stopped being an explanation of my feelings and started to become just trying to organize what I'm thinking, and I'm still not that good at the whole "sharing what i feel/think" thing...

but i know myself too much.. I'll show this too u and u can make of it what u will

think it corny, or creepy, pathetic or sweet, idk,,, but it is what it is, much like everything else.

i think way too much, and don't know a lot... but here this is... this is what i think, and what i do know is i love u... for the first time i love something.


i have no idea if i said this already, but i didnt see itwhen i checked, so i'll say it now
this is the first time I've actually been taking care of myself in a ong time... i've been eating better, i've been working out, trying to look better.

now i know "this is for jess" wasnt in the foreground of my mind but i'm pretty suer in the back of my mind i did it all for u.. cause i've always had negitive self-image whatevers, probibly always will to some degree

hell.. i even went through and spellchecked everything cause i felt this was important enough i didnt want anything wrong with it, i wanted it perfect... kinda like u
i know i missed some.. probably a lot, but thats just my flaws blemishing ur perfect

but ya... i need to stop here.
if i dont, i'll never stop

but ya... i love u jess, moer than i remember loving anything else b4 u helped me out of a nasty rut in my life and i can never thank u enough.
the amount of joy u bring to me i feel bad cause i will never b able to thank u properly
o hope this will do... me taking 3 seperate days to try my damnedest to say how much u mean to me... anyway... i'm sure im startign to repeat myself... i'll see you online sometime later
bye until i talk to u again

-- robbie

y wont u talk?

first of all this one isnt me complaining about bob and my friend... this is about a different friend.. i think i'll call her "jane"

well... i guess i should start from the beginming, which isnt that log ago, just this summer.

well i have a frind, jon... jon is a marine currently in japan, he has a lot of friends, one being my friend who is going out with bob, another is jane.

when i first met jane we talked a little, then after a week or so we started to talk more.. until we got to where, at least in my mind, we were talking like a couple of friends...

towards the end of july i guess it was, there was a big inter-friend drama fight because jane did drugs, told bob's gf, and bob's gf told me, cause jon and bob's gf were apparently trying to hook me up with jane when i met her and, i must admit, it was working a bit, i grew to really like jane, but withheld from telling jane at that time cause

1) she lives in a different state, and i've never been a a relationship period, let alone one that we're 1000 miles apart or whatever, and

2) jane is the kind of girl who wouldnt give a guy like me a second glance on the street... hell, i'd b lucky to get a first glance from someone who looks like her

anyway.. i told bob's gf (who will now b known as "ann") partly because i needed to tell someone, and i was waiting to tell jane, and partly because ,well ann was one of the ppl trying to hook me up with jane, and also partly because i needed advise from what a girl thought...

anyway... back to the story... jane had stoped talking to me like almost completely.. like when she did talk to me she seemed to use as few words as possible, after the whole "jane on drugs" thing went down, jane seemed to talk to me again, like accually talking to me, then she was offline for a bit (i dont feel like going into that big mess) but when she got back on it seems she didnt talk to me as much, and now, tho i know she has limited access to the net, i havent really talked to her all that much since augest... the only time i talked to her mose than just bullshit convo was by accident, im pretty sure.. apparently jane is a huge fan of the local sports team and i just happened to say (as a filler) "so.. how about them (incert favorite sports team)?"
and of course she began to talk about her fave sports team.. that was the most we really taked in like 3 months... thats 1/4 of a year... thats over half the time i've known her

but it's not like she couldnt send an email saying "hey, how u been?" or something like that

i fear i may have scared her away because in order to try to take some of the pressure off of ann during the "jane was on drugs" drama, i told jane that the only realn she told me is cause i liked her... so i'm afraid that the only time i have really felt emotions, and told ppl about it in a long time made it so that she doesnt talk to me anymore... i guess thats what i get for going against my better judgment

i'll b really surprised if jane ever talkes to me again... i dont want to say that she's dead to me, like i have done to my older brother, but i dont think that i'll start the convo, i might but if she starts with this hardly talking to me thing, then i probibly wont start the convo, assuming that she doesnt want anything to do with me.. i'll probibly treat her like i do my neighbor... i will say hello if he says hello first, i'll talk if he talks to me first. i'll talk to jane if she talks first, but im afraid that if i do that it'll b just like now, exccept that i cant tell myslef that she's not online at all... the only thing left would b that she doesnt want to talk to me at all and i really dont want to know that someone doesnt want to talk to me because i told them i liked them

well i'm gonna end it there cause this has become a fucking long post, and chances r u didnt even really read it anyway

thought of the day

"always listen to ur gut feelings

they know more than u ever will

i learned that the hard way"

do u not want sight?

i cant believe it...

i cant fucking believe it...

i cant believe that you'd b blinded again...

i thought u were done with bob...
i told u what it's like here and i even showed u what i thought, and i thought u would heed my warnings about him... he has already moved on... he has a new one he claims he loves
do u think he speaks the truth when he talks??

do u want to know how honest words r?... if u desire me to i will tel u that i am a real live god and i can teleport, and shoot lightning from my hands and haven't teleported to see u because i have no wish to do so... if u want i will call u up and speak these things to u; hell, i will fly to where u r and tell u to your face... will that make it true?

surely i said such things were true so i must b fight... no one can lie to people's faces, can they?... call and find out... i assure u it is true.

y do u not listen to me?

y not look at what is happening and realize that your living a lie, a foolish dream, u believe he can love at all??... I'd b surprised if he fucking loved anything but himself... i told u this before but u seem to think just because he says otherwise he's telling u the truth.

y will u not believe me??

have i ever lied to u??... the most i did was keep the full truth from u... and that was because i wanted u to retain what ever happiness u had, however false it was... do i even have a reason to lie to u? if u feel i have a reason to lie to u please tell me what it is... I'd love to know cause i can think of nothing.

u know what??.... fuck it!!... I'm gonna tell it to u straight... u r annoying me... your acting like a god damn kid... u still believe that perfect is possible... and its not... Bob's last name isn't Christ... i should know cause mine isn't... and last time i checked brothers have the same last name...
i just want to tell u that your dream of a perfect life with bob is just that... a dream. perfection rarely exists in story books... what makes u think it can happen out here in the real world, or do u not spend enough time out here to know?

what i find sad, and i almost cry over is the first thing u say to me now... "is bob there"... not even "hi" anymore... just asking about bob, like i don't matter save for a link to him... that's probably one reason we don't seem to be as good of friends as we were before bob came along... ever since then it's been "bob, bob, bob, o.. o ya, and u (sorry, forgot)... then back to bob again"... now I'm not saying u shouldnt have any friends but me... that would b just plain fucking stupid... i want to b your friend... not your only friend... we seemed like such good friends... hell, we called each other siblings... that's how close we were... but now that bob doesn't want u to call me bro I'm supposed to just forget it?... it seems unfair... and ya i know the old "well life isn't fair" bullshit... well we can at least try to make it as fair as we can... i may not b able to make everything fair but i still try god damn fucking hard to make it close... i guess it's all in vein... if shit like us going from really good friends to me just being a way for u to tell if Bob's home or not, then it's obviously just a waste of my damn time, it obviously doesn't matter what the fuck i do cause it'll always come back to u think your in love with bob... and i just happen to live with bob

fuck... i don't even know if i should ever show u this... it'll probably make u cry and you'll probably either not like me for what i said or just dismiss it as "whatever"... i don't give a fuck what u tell me... if the last time i showed u this is any indication of what the future holds it's that it doesn't matter what i say... u still believe that your in love with bob, and that there will never b anyone like bob and all this other shit... so whatever...

(i want u to know that i wrote it when i was in a really angry mood and decided to talk about what was really bugging me... sorry if u cry or hate me for what i say or anything... if u dont want to b my friend anymore than i'll understand... just thought u'd like to know.)

thought of the day

"if u claim he is the one

and u save your heart for him

and your wrong...

u will miss out on a lifetime of love

if u claim he is the one

and allow your heart to love another

and your right...

then he will come back into your life

when the time is right"

sweet, im a bro again!!

i know this sounds like an odd thing to say but it is true... after almost a 2 month hiatus I'm finally a bro again!!

i know it may seem stupid to all of u but idc... to me it almost feels like that is what makes me and my friend really good friends.. it is our "thing" like one of my friends likes to tackle me to the ground and give me a large, slightly strangling, hug... and we have a point system we use that is a story for another day... the point being, if he didn't tackle me to the ground, or if he didn't punch me in the shoulder for ding something stupid, I'd feel like it wasn't the same person... I'd feel like somehow we aren't as good of friends... well that's how it was for the last 2 months... i felt like my sis and i had lost our thing... granted web still had one thing that didn't die for those 2 months but it wasn't the same...

but, tho it may be kinda pathetic, i was really happy when the other day she called me "bro" again.. it made me feel like we were really good friends again.... it was like my sister left and then she came back...

thought of the day...

"heaven watches from a distance, hell charges forward.

for the last month we gave our enemies heaven...

now, we give them Hell!!!!!!!"

have u ever had something u wanted to say to someone but u didnt want to at the same time?

well thats about where i am now with a friend of mine...

i want to tell her that he (let's call him "bob") doesnt seem to give a shit and that she is really getting on my neves...

they say love is blind but i didnt realize it made u blind as well! she refuses to believe it will last anything short of forever, well i've lived with bob for all his life, he's not a "forever" kinda guy.
she also seems to refuse to see any flaw in him... now, i can only recall 1 case of mass claimed perfection and i dont think bob's last name is "christ".

ur not suposed to ignore their flaws, ur suposed to accept their flaws... the 2 words may b similar but they r far from the same...

i dont want to tell her that bob doesnt seem to care about the relationship because above all else, she is a friend... or at least she was... (idk if she still is or not, but o well, u cant change how ppl see u)... i dont want her to b sad or misrable in any way... hell, she probibly wouldnt believe me anyway, the kid is so blind im surprised she can see the end of her damn nose.i keep trying to tell her about it tho, not straight out "he doesnt fucking care about ur relationship at all" but subtlely..."ya.... bob isnt calling because he's playing video games" "ya, i told bob to call... idk what he's doing, i think he's watching tv" stuff like that... but she just rides it off like playing video games or watching tv is more important than talking to his damn girlfriend.

but whatever... i just dont like how she becomes almost obsessive to the point where she honestly believes he loves her with all his heart and i can tell u this... idt he has ever accually loved anything with even a fraction of his heart.

well i guess i'll end this little rant now... i'll cya next time

thought of the day...

"it's hard to see you nearing the edge of the cliff

and be there to stop u from falling

but u turn my hand away

and fall just the same"