the hardest thing i've ever tried to write

hey there faithful reader who found this, or lucky person i decided to show this to,
(probably the latter)


this is something that's been on my mind for a while now... it wont go away, and it is the hardest thing I've ever tried to write...


I'm gonna try to describe how i feel about a certain someone who life deemed i earned to come into my life. and that would b Jess.


Jess is only the coolest person ever... and also, the second person i admitted i liked. and the best part is... she likes me back


now I'm no stranger to having a crush on ppl, it's happened a few times b4. but this is the first time that anyone has loved me back.


ya i said it.. love


if u knew me at all this last year, u know that I've lost all hope in finding someone for me, I've given up on love

i thought it was some fairy tail, bullshit lie that ppl just made up to pretend to b happy.


i mean.. i had never felt it in 20+ years on living, i had never felt this thing they called "love"


"but shallow grave, what about all the songs about it, and movies, and all that?"


OK imaginary person... they make songs and movies and things about Santa... does that make him real?


sorry for the reality check, Santa is a lie, just like i thought love was


but then... i was on this website called blogtv and i was talking to this kid that i thought was beautiful, but I'd never have a chance with, and had been on camera a few times by that point.


i forget exactly when in the conversation, or what brought it up but she said "your cute"


me being. well... me thought, "she has to b joking... me? cute? nonsense... i just have a cool fro, witch is a great conversation starter but after that, it's just hair, this has to b some kinda joke"


this was still when i was angry, and maybe a little depressed, but miserable definitely, when nothing was going right for me, not really. and i am pretty sure I'll always have trust issues.

but ya.. that's how it started...


eventually i was on blogtv and everyone was playing a game called 10 fingers.. where everyone asks either yes/no or "have u ever" questions... if "yes" u put down a finger.. the game ends when u run out of fingers


so one of my questions were "do u have a crush on someone in this room" and of course Jess was there so i put a finger down


after that, it was game on... ppl wanted to know who it was and me being the private person i am wouldn't tell them

Jess seemed really adamant about finding out who it was


so we were talking on msn the next day and again she asked who it was i had a crush on.

with the memory of what happened last time i told someone i loved them in the foreground of my mind i was like "i think I'll keep that one to myself for now"


since we were asking questions back and forth i asked her the same question she asked me "do u have a crush on someone from blogtv?" and she was said yes. when i asked who it was, cause I'm kind of an information addict, she was like "it's u silly" after i got over the shock of seeing me as her crush i made sure it wasnt some crazy joke with a simple "really?"


well i figured since she liked me what could go too wrong if i told her i liked her too.

famous last words i know, but life is about risk and reward.

and luckily this risk brought the best reward I've ever gotten... Jess


anyway... that was the easy part... that was just telling a story


now comes the hard part... trying to describe what this feels like.

what love is to me


i know that you're not supposed to change audiences in the middle of a paper, but this isn't for a grade and what i need to say is really aimed at one person. so Jess.. the rest of this is for u, cause I'll probably only show this to u, cause well, I'm still not good at sharing what's going on with me to ppl


i also know I'll never b able to describe how much i love u, Jess... but what kind of word smith would i b if i didn't try.


so here we go...


OK... well.. first of all.. this is a very odd feeling for me,,, it's hard for me to wrap my head around this feeling being real. I've never really experienced love b4.


i know pain is real... I've lived with pain for 21 years... and well.. it only stopped when i met u...


your the first thing that's made me truly happy, and for that, i thank u.


but back to how this feels...


well imagine your 5 years old, u ask for a pony on Christmas, expecting to not get it, cause "Santa doesn't like delivering live animals" your dad says. "maybe if your really good" says your mom


u walk downstairs on Christmas morning and u don't see a pony

u see 3 standing there

all with your name on the tag


suddenly nothing matters anymore

all your worries, and sorrows are gone

everything that u cared about is now obsolete.. u have three ponies.


ya.. take that times the highest number u can think of

then add 1


that's the amount of happiness i feel from the littlest thing, like seeing that your online


i know I'm crazy... if anyone disagrees they are either lying or they don't know me that well

and this is so new for me I'll probably fail at so many things.


i also know I'm forgetful as fuck... but i remember the things i consider important

like i forget your last name, i cant remember your fave movie, i cant remember most of the stuff we talked about that day we were asking questions...


but i remember your fave song (mostly cause i told u I'd sing it for u some day when i finally learn the song) i remember that u want to b kissed in the rain some day. i made i point to remember that cause i know that when it happens it'll make u happy.


before 1.5-2 months ago i didn't have much of a goal in life...
the best i had was "maybe go to theatre eventually?"

but now i have 3...
1)visit u
2)when i get there kiss u in the rain
(or at least try to and try not to make it weird and awkward, cause I'll b honest .. I've never really kissed anyone b4, so I'll probably fail at it. well.. i kissed my grandma but it was more she kissed me on the cheek)
anyway... 3) try to make u as happy as u make me.


cause I'll b honest... i don't like my friends being unhappy, i know what it's like to b sad, or angry, or miserable... i don't want anyone i know to feel the same

and, since I'm being honest, there is a slightly more selfish reason that is there but i don't pay attention to it too much.. and that is I'm kind of a sponge as my one friend calls it...

i seem to copy emotion around me... so keeping everyone happy makes me happy


but the most important point is that i love you and i don't think you should ever feel anything but happy

that's why i say corny things like "I'd give up a Klondike bar to talk to u" or any of the dumb things that make u say stuff like "awwe" or "your sweet".

that's just my attempts to say what u mean to me...

it's because of you that I'm not so angry and hateful anymore.

if u would have told me at the beginning of the summer i would love someone i would have laughed at u, called u a liar and went about my misery. so thanks for that

ya.. so that so far took me several hours yesterday to write... tbh there's just not enough time to write everything.. it would take a few years past forever to write it all, but ya...

OK note to self.. tired + lots of caffeine+ me = shouldn't write things...
i kinda start rambling and getting sidetracked

but then again... that's kinda what happens when i talk to u, Jess... anything i was thinking of just kinda gets put on the back burner. cause your the most important thing again

uggz,, side tracked again... I'm failing at this whole thing... so i think I'll stop now... i cant concentrate... it's way too late to b thinking...

that and this is long enough as it is. it'll almost take u as long to read it did to type it :/

but anyway.. I'm gonna end this pitiful attempt to say what i feel with this...

"I'll love u forever and a half... whatever comes of goes, i want u to know I'll b right here :)"

like i said.. i love u more than words can describe, Jess... this is my best try at it, i hope it'll do

*footnote*
idk if I'll even show this to u Jess... this stopped being an explanation of my feelings and started to become just trying to organize what I'm thinking, and I'm still not that good at the whole "sharing what i feel/think" thing...

but i know myself too much.. I'll show this too u and u can make of it what u will

think it corny, or creepy, pathetic or sweet, idk,,, but it is what it is, much like everything else.

i think way too much, and don't know a lot... but here this is... this is what i think, and what i do know is i love u... for the first time i love something.


i have no idea if i said this already, but i didnt see itwhen i checked, so i'll say it now
this is the first time I've actually been taking care of myself in a ong time... i've been eating better, i've been working out, trying to look better.

now i know "this is for jess" wasnt in the foreground of my mind but i'm pretty suer in the back of my mind i did it all for u.. cause i've always had negitive self-image whatevers, probibly always will to some degree

hell.. i even went through and spellchecked everything cause i felt this was important enough i didnt want anything wrong with it, i wanted it perfect... kinda like u
i know i missed some.. probably a lot, but thats just my flaws blemishing ur perfect

but ya... i need to stop here.
if i dont, i'll never stop

but ya... i love u jess, moer than i remember loving anything else b4 u helped me out of a nasty rut in my life and i can never thank u enough.
the amount of joy u bring to me i feel bad cause i will never b able to thank u properly
o hope this will do... me taking 3 seperate days to try my damnedest to say how much u mean to me... anyway... i'm sure im startign to repeat myself... i'll see you online sometime later
bye until i talk to u again

-- robbie